


Hold On I Still Want You

by multifandomqueeen



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (happyish), (probably too many but...), Alternate Universe, Angst, Bang Chan is a Good Friend, Chan calls Felix angel and pixie a lot, Comfort, Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Nicknames, OK now I think that's it, Oh, Ok nope, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Protective Bang Chan, References to Depression, Sad Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Suicidal Thoughts, a lot longer than intended author got carried away and started rambling, actually a lot softer than it sounds, but I think that's it, but can be read either way, implied/referenced eating disorder, like a lot of them, sorry still working out how to tag, suicide heavily referenced PLEASE DONT READ IF SENSITIVE, well intended as
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:54:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27556435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multifandomqueeen/pseuds/multifandomqueeen
Summary: He's called Chan...but now he has no idea what to say. The older doesn't know about his self-harm and suicidal thoughts - no one does - and now he's called him in the midst of deeply considering jumping off a building. What is he supposed to say in this situation?"I need help, Channie," he finally whispers out. "I really need your help."...We'll work through this, I promise, I'll be right there beside you. Just don't let it end here.TW suicide/suicidal thoughts/depression
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Felix
Comments: 2
Kudos: 132





	Hold On I Still Want You

**Author's Note:**

> Hi lovely people who have clicked on my story! :)  
> This one's a bit deeper than my last ones...as you see in the tags this is suicidal based, please don't read if you're sensitive and please please seek support if this is something you're struggling with <3  
> And of course this is purely fiction, I'm not trying to imply anything about the boys' mental states or anything its just a story :) 
> 
> Anyways, yes chanlix again because I love their dynamic and I find them easier to write!  
> Sorry, I'll let you start reading now haha...  
> Hope you enjoy!

What is it about being on the edge of death - quite literally - that makes all his other senses so heightened? Felix can hear every sound of the bustling city below him and almost feels the glow of city lights all around him, tall buildings visible in any direction. He's acutely aware of the cool breeze flowing ever so gently over the skin on his exposed arms and ruffling his blonde hair. And he knows, even with his back to the door, that he's currently still alone. 

Sitting down, the boy lets his feet dangle over the edge of the high-rise building, hands still secure around the inner edge. He glances down at the streets below, cars and buses and bikes going in every which direction even at this late hour, before looking back up at the skyline and taking a deep breath.

He _wants_ to do this. He _wants_ to let himself fall. He _wants_ to escape, to feel that overwhelming freedom of falling through the air and knowing there was nothing he could do until it was all over. He _wants_ it. 

But he doesn't _want_ to want it. He knows he _shouldn’t_ want it. There's one last rational part of his mind telling him - screaming at him that he shouldn't do this. But he also knows he's spiralling too fast to get out of it alone; and it's this thought that sends his hand fumbling for his phone.

There's a lump starting to rise in his throat as he presses Chan's number. It doesn't even seem like a conscious decision to call the elder, it's just as though he knows immediately who he was going to call, as though there was never any question about it at all. Tears are starting to build up in his eyes as the phone dials, and he puts it on speaker and sits it on the edge beside him.

It's only a few rings before Chan picks up with a calm, "hello?" and just the sound of his voice causes everything - every thought, every emotion, every implication of what he's doing - to crash down on Felix. Blocking any words he might have said, uncontrollable sobs escape his throat, forcing their way past the weight settled on his chest, and on the other end of the line Chan starts to panic.

"Felix? Lix are you alright?" Even as he stands up from his couch - immediately ready to go wherever Felix might need him - the elder tries to keep his voice as controlled as he can, knowing he wouldn't be doing either of them any favours by openly panicking. "Lix?"

A high-pitched whimper is the only response Felix can make. Sobs starting die down a little, the boy gulps heavily before choking out a broken, "Channie..."

Carefully closing his apartment door behind him, Chan starts heading out of his building, still with no idea where he's going. "Lix? Lixie, angel, what's going on?"

Swallowing again, Felix stares down at the cars speeding below, vision a little blurry from the tears still streaming down his cheeks. He's called Chan...but now he has no idea what to say. The older doesn't know about his self-harm and suicidal thoughts - no one does - and now he's called him in the midst of deeply considering jumping off a building. What is he supposed to say in this situation?

He sniffles a little, wiping his eyes. "I need help, Channie," he finally whispers out. "I really need your help." The boy tries to think of what else to say, but comes up blank, and just leaves it at that. The wind picks up a little, pressing harder against his back and carrying the sounds from the city streets up to him, and Chan can hear it through the speakers. 

"Of course I'll help you...look, Felix, where are you? Are you lost, do you need me to come get you?" The elder knows Felix hates being alone in an area he doesn't know, especially this late at night, so that could account for his distress? "Come on, talk to me, please, Lix."

"I'm not lost…" Felix says, slowly. There's still a fight going on inside him; a part of him is still yelling at him to just do it, just let go of the edge and fall, leave his phone sitting there on the ledge with Chan talking to nothing but air. There still the part of him telling him he doesn’t need or deserve help, that he doesn't even really _want_ the help. The part of him that doesn’t want to admit what he's doing, how bad it's gotten, as though saying it out loud to someone would somehow make it so much more real. But it doesn’t get any more real than this, he supposes. 

Unnerved by the long pause, Chan comes to a jolty stop outside his apartment building, unsure where to go. Felix said he wasn't lost, right? So maybe the younger's apartment would be a good place to start? Nodding to himself, the boy makes up his mind and heads in that direction, his destination only about 10 minutes walk. "Lix, please angel, tell me where you are? What's happening, are you hurt?" he tries again.

"No," Felix says again, cursing himself for the vague answers that are all he can bring himself to give. Before Chan can say anything else, though, he draws up his courage, and takes a deep, shaky breath. "I'm on the rooftop and -" his voice cracks "- and I really need your help, please, Channie." Tears threaten to make another appearance and the boy gulps, blinking quickly.

The words hit Chan like a truck as he immediately jumps to the worst but unfortunately correct conclusion. They resound in his head like a mantra on loop - _the rooftop, on the rooftop, Felix is on the rooftop_. Immediately the elder breaks into a run, weaving between people frantically, mentally thanking past-Chan for his long hours working out as his breathing barely gets heavier and he can still speak calmly into the phone. When he does go to speak though, much like Felix, he has no idea what to say. "Felix..." His voice is more careful now that he knows how serious this is, but warmer and more comforting at the same time.

Felix sniffles and draws his eyes from the streets to stare at the call screen on his phone. Exhaling long and deep, he goes to say something, then stops again. Luckily, Chan steps in again, voice filtering through the speakers.

"Pixie...I'm coming up to join you, OK? Can you wait there for me, I won't be long, I promise, please Lix wait for me okay, please." Chan feels like he's begging, feels as though he's maybe reacting too strongly, making this bigger than it is. He doesn't even know what the problem actually is after all. But the thought of losing Felix, the thought of reaching the rooftop and finding nothing but a phone, maybe even still on call with him, sitting on the ledge where Felix had been just moments before, just scares him so much. 

Felix hums, a low choked sound, and looks around at the city again. He's starting to calm down now, the fight that had been raging within him starting to die down. But as the line goes quiet (below him Chan opts for the stairs rather than the elevator and saves his breath for getting up as fast as possible) the young boy's thoughts start rising up again, slowly overwhelming his mind and rousing the same thoughts and feelings that had brought him there in the first place.

Whichever part of him that just wants this over with starts pressuring him again, and his hands clench tighter around the ledge.

He doesn't even hear Chan open the door behind him, and the elder can tell by the way Felix gives absolutely no recognition of his presence. He shuts the door as quietly as he can, not wanting to startle the younger, and feels his heart crack as he turns back towards him. Felix looks so small, so fragile, so _broken,_ sitting there on the ledge, hunched over and hands clutching desperately to keep himself grounded.

"Pixie," Chan calls softly, taking slow steps towards him. He hangs up the phone and lets it fall into his pocket, reaching out to the younger. 

Felix's head turns and he meets the elder's eyes, feeling tears rising yet again. He feels so vulnerable, showing this side of himself to Chan, failing to be the happy sunshine he was always known to be. Just the sight of the elder boy seems to give him strength, though, and he forces himself to shuffle back from the edge a little.

"Felix, angel." Chan's voice is choked, and the younger is shocked to see tears also rolling down his face. Chan - strong, capable, composed Chan, who Felix hasn't seen cry in years - is crying...because of him. 

Everything goes silent for a moment, neither of them breaking eye contact. Felix's mind is racing, thinking of everything and nothing at all at the same time; Chan's thoughts are more methodical as he tries to figure out how to proceed. He's never been in this situation before, having to try to coax a clearly broken soul back from the edge of death, and Felix would have been the last person he'd have expected to find in this position. Images of the younger - huge smile, bright laughter and dorky behaviour, cheering anyone up in a matter of minutes - flash through his mind and Chan smiles sadly. He supposes its true what they say about the brightest smiles hiding the deepest pain. He kicks himself for not noticing there was something wrong far sooner.

"Pixie," he says finally, "please honey, don't do this. I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you before this, before it got this bad, but I'm here now. There's a better way to get through this, I promise you. Please just don't do it. I love you, everyone loves you, I can't bear the thought of losing you. You mean so much to us, Lixie, mean so much to me, you're so valuable. Anything or anyone telling you anything different is lying." His voice gets softer as he speaks, still unsure what he should be saying but just trying to say something, anything, to bring Felix back to him. 

Felix's voice is little more than a whisper as he glances down again briefly then returns Chan's gaze. "Even if it's myself, Channie?" 

"Well, I mean, sorry to call you a liar, but yeah. Whichever little part of your mind that keeps telling you that, that you're not enough, you're not worth anything, that you're not valued, no one cares about you, is feeding you nothing but lies. And I'm guessing that's the part of you that brought you here. But please, angel, don’t do this. Not even for me…for yourself. You're worth so much more than this."

Their gaze breaks again, the younger looking away and back down at the still-bustling streets, lit by the bright street-lamps and numerous headlights. Felix's body wavers between staying where he is and shuffling back further. As though it can tell that it's now or never, the annoying little voice telling him to _jump! now!_ strengthens and the internal fight doubles yet again. Even Felix's rational side is getting tired, tempted to just give up and let the other win - even now that Chan is there - and the elder seems to sense it, his voice taking on a more urgent note as he gives his next words in the form of a gentle command.

"Felix. Look at me pixie." The blonde looks around slowly. "Ok, honey, can you do something for me? Please, Lix, I need you to just shuffle back a bit more, ok, just a little bit more." After a second, Felix does, and the tension settled in Chan's shoulders relaxes a little. "That's it, baby, do you think you could turn around for me? We'll work through this, I promise, I'll be right there beside you. Just don't let it end here, Lix." It takes longer this time, and Chan swears he holds his breath.

Then abruptly something seems to snap within the younger and with a rough sob he spins around on the ledge and flies across the roof into Chan's outstretched arms, burying his face in his chest as he breaks down into tears again. He starts shaking as everything sets in, shocked himself at how close he'd come to ending it all.

Chan receives Felix's body weight easily, well used to him jumping into him with no warning, though always under different circumstances. He exhales deeply, final remaining tension melting from him now that he has Felix with him, and buries his own face in the younger's hair, tightening his grip. It feels like hours that they stand there holding each other, until Felix stops shaking and his tears start to subside - not that either of them care how long it really is. 

When Chan feels that the younger is a bit calmer, he pulls back and presses his lips to his temple. "I'm so sorry you've had to go through this alone, Lix. But I'm here now, and I always will be. You'll be alright, I promise you," he mumbles quietly against his skin.

Felix pulls back as well, wiping his eyes, and nods. "I'm sorry you had to see me like this Channie," he says in a small voice. "I'll try to handle it better next time. But thankyou for coming to me, I really needed you."

Chan's heart cracks even more at the words. "Angel, stop." The command is soft, but firm. "Stop thinking like that. I don't mind you being vulnerable in front of me. I'm sorry you feel like you've had to hide that you felt like this. Promise me you'll let me help you from now on, please, Lix?"

"I'll…I'll try. I'll try my best, I promise."

Chan breathes out a thankyou, then looks around. The breeze, which he hadn't noticed earlier due to being so fixated on Felix, is starting to bite at them, and he wants to get Felix off this rooftop as soon as possible.

"Just wait here for a second, alright?" he says, before extracting himself from the arms Felix had thrown around him and taking quick steps across to the ledge Felix was sitting on to retrieve the younger's phone. He wants absolutely no reason for the younger to come back up here anywhere in the near future, and especially not to just get his phone. Then he walks back to the waiting Felix and wraps an arm around his shoulders.  
"Let's get you inside, sweetheart," he murmurs, guiding the pliant boy towards the stairs.

Felix goes willingly, following Chan down to his own apartment (where Chan easily keys in the passcode, having let himself in _many_ times before). Exhaustion seems to catch up with him as they enter the hall and Chan toes off his shoes, so the elder easily picks him up and carries him down to the bedroom, helping him change into more comfortable sleep clothes and looking sadly at the scars littered across Felix's thighs. He makes another silent promise to himself to not let Felix get in his own head so much ever again, even if that means being with him all the time or as often as reasonably possible, and to persuade the younger to get help or at the least open up to him. 

But for now, he puts those thoughts aside and tucks Felix into bed, the younger giving absolutely no protest. Not wanting to leave him alone and yet not wanting to invade on his space while he's in this sort of state, Chan prepares to take a place in the armchair near the window of the younger's bedroom to watch over him. But a quiet whine from Felix stops him, and he tugs on his hand to pull the elder down to the bed with him. So Chan carefully slides in beside him, letting Felix curl up against him and draping an arm over his waist to draw comforting patterns on his back. 

"I really am sorry, Channie," the blonde whispers after a moment, voice sleepy and hoarse from tears. "I'm sorry I didn’t come to you, I'm sorry I didn't come to you and that I let it get that bad. But thankyou for helping me, and I promise I'll try to remember you're always there…you will be, right?"

"Of course, Lixie, of course I will be. Always."

The younger can't seem to hold off any longer as the exhaustion - from the tension the last few hours and from finally admitting to the burden he carries - takes over. As the younger drifts off, Chan's fingers continue to move mindlessly over his skin, heart aching at the knowledge of his best friend's hidden pain. 

And as he stares into the darkness, he knows this isn't the end of it. (Felix was far too light, for one, even for his natural lithe frame, and he had a feeling there was a whole bundle of other problems in that direction.) And his own struggles with depression had taught him it wasn’t something that could be fixed quickly. One moment of weakness and it rears its head again, ready to slide back into your life. 

The journey to recovery ahead of Felix was by no means a easy or short one. But Chan swore he'd be by his side every step of the way. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Comments (feedback or just saying hi) are much appreciated, makes my day!  
> <3


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